If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Pooping to opera.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
