How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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