Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
