I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
