Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
