I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
