You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
