I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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