just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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