i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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