I think i peed on brittanys purse
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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