i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
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