so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
