i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
