FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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