Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
