Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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