Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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