We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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