The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
