sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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