I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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