my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Randomize
