if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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