half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
