so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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