tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Everything about him screamed your future.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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