i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize