my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
