Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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