just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
