You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
