Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
