It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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