Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
