Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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