when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
