dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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