I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
