haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
smell my finger.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
