He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
