so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
