his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
