i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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