You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
