Sorry, I don't speak sober.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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