i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
