roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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