It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
sarcasm needs its own font
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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