Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
